Prodigal Daughter

I'm frustrated with myself and my lack of posting. There've been instances in the last few weeks when I've really felt the need to write and share but I keep letting daily life's tasks get in the way from sitting down and taking the time to truly reflect. Instead I jot down a couple notes and try to get back to them later. Yesterday God hit me over the head with the need to rest. I've been going full tilt lately and my body finally made me stop. I spent yesterday sleeping, trying to get over a nasty 24 hour bug. And all those tasks that were consuming me before? Still there for me to take care of when I recovered and amazingly enough, the world still went on while I was out of commission.

Matthew 6 is one of my all time favorite chapters in the Bible. Verse 34 is the first one that I ever memorized, and I still need to remind myself of its truth, ten years later. Yesterday I was reading my devotional "Pure" and it references this verse in The Message translation: "Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." And that's the core of it for me, one of the reasons why I'm so consumed with busyness is because I'm afraid that I'm going to miss out on something if I don't say yes to every invitation or I'll let people down if I do say no, and they'll never ask again.

I was listening to a podcast tonight about the Prodigal Son, a story I'm very familiar with. What struck me this time was the father's unconditional love for his sons. When the prodigal decided to go back to his dad, he had an apology and a plan all rehearsed in his head (I do this ALL the time), "...but while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him." Luke 15:20 And when the elder son felt jealous, bitter, and stubborn because of how his brother was being treated, "...his father came out and began to plead with him." Luke 15:28 This father gave his sons everything and they were ungrateful in return. But he didn't withhold his love as a punishment or try to make them feel guilty for their actions, he lavishly loved them anyway.

This unconditional love reminds me of my students, one in particular. Sarah is one of those students that can drive me crazy sometimes; she is so smart but doesn't work up to her potential and couldn't stay in her seat if her life depended on it. More often than not if I'm saying something to her it's negative. Yet she still gives me hugs (which is pretty rare for a 5th grader) and after we finished an experiment last Friday, she cleaned all these dishes without me asking. This week she told me all about how she'd just found her dad on myspace that she'd never met before. Here is a girl with a story that I'll never completely understand, and has valid reasons to be bitter and have an attitude, yet she still lives in that innocent desire to love and be loved.

But I feel that much of the love I give is conditional. I try to serve and be generous with my time but sometimes it's to make myself feel better, it gives me a purpose, an identity. Or I do it to keep their love. Or I do it only because I expect something in return. 1 John 4:18-19 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us." I need to love others because they are God's creation, not because I'm afraid they won't love me back unless I do this or that. I need to just accept God's love as is, and not check to see if He's holding something back from me.